Last night, visitors' locker room at the Palace of Auburn Hills.
Shaquille O'Neil: Man, I can't fuckin' believe that fucker Jim Gray asked me to fuckin' spell "enigmatic."
Kobe Bryant: I can't believe you know that word.
Shaq: Man, if I'm the idiot, how come you're the one on trial?
Karl Malone: Don't mess with my lil' buddy!!
Unseen Spirit of John Stockton: Why, Karl, why?!
Gary Payton: Who's gonna make us, Mr. I'm-the-Glue-That-Holds-This-Team-Togeth
Shaq: How much did you have to pay ABC to do that halftime puff piece to rehabilitate your image?
Gary: It was their idea, man. The media loves us. They're making excuses for us. Right now there are a dozen reporters out there saying we're in control of the series. And I only need to fix my image because you fucked it up with that stupid triangle offense.
Kobe: What offense did you think we were going to run when you came here, you old geezer?
Gary: One that gets me more shots! I'm the Glove!
Kobe: No!! They're my shots! Because I'm the best! I'm the new Jordan! I'm better than Jordan! They said so on ESPN! I'm the only one who's even trying to win this series!
Shaq: You're right. I'm not trying to win this series. I'm just trying to make you look bad so you'll tank in free agency.
Kobe throws a punch at Shaq. Shaq grabs him and starts beating his ass. Malone tries to pull Shaq off Kobe and Payton starts beating everyone up just because he feels like it. Then they all dogpile on Luke Walton because, hey, he's Luke Walton.
Phil Jackson (watching with a big dumb grin on his face): I'm so Zen that I don't give a shit.