Madam President, Queen of Snark (kellinator) wrote,
Madam President, Queen of Snark
kellinator

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Unsent Letters, election edition

Dear Friends List,

This is my LiveJournal. Not yours. You don't have to read it, and I don't have to write what you think I should write in it. So lay off the whining about whining. In case you haven't noticed, LiveJournal is whining. With the occasional quiz result.

Love,
Kelly

Dear American public at large,

You are obviously paying less attention than I gave you credit for. Don't worry, I won't make the same mistake again.

Are we even in the same country?,
Kelly

Dear John Kerry,

Gee, couldn't you have at least waited till a few more votes were counted before running in to concede? Weren't we supposed to at least try this year? You told us you'd fight for us, remember? And now you can't even wait till you're officially defeated? Don't our votes matter too? Being a "gracious loser" isn't going to do fuck-all to fix this mess.

Howard Dean wouldn't have pulled this shit,
Kelly

Dear George W. Bush,

Well, I guess you know something I don't. But my mom says you made a mess and you should have to clean it up yourself. Try not to kill too many innocents in the next four years.

...Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? It's not like you listen to anyone who says anything you don't like.

And by the way, "it's all right, I prayed about it" is not an all-purpose response. God helps those who help themselves.

And you really do look like a chimpanzee,
Kelly

Dear DNC,

Don't you dare ask me for another red cent until you figure out how to not piss it away.

I gave more than a hundred bucks and all I got was this lousy president,
Kelly

Dear Media,

Calling a state when not a single vote has been counted makes you look like a fucking idiot.

I'll stick to the Daily Show,
Kelly

Dear Georgia Voters,

Nearly 80% of you voted for Amendment 1? Wow, what a bunch of fucking bigots. I'm embarrassed that I have to share air with you.

Absolutely no love whatsoever,
Kelly

Dear "Christian" ministers,

Every single one of you who stood up in church and said that good Christians have to vote Republican should lose your church's tax-exempt status and have to pay for it out of your own pocket. And that includes you, Uncle Dale. Thanks for turning my staunchly-Democrat grandmother's funeral into a Dubya rally. She would have loved that.

"Men of God," my fat liberal ass,
Kelly

Dear Religious Reich Right,

Please re-read your Bibles. See the Pharisees? They're not the good guys. Stop behaving like them.

How did you come up with this crap, anyway?,
Kelly

Dear Secret Service,

Please do not waste the taxpayers' money by coming to visit me. I assure you that I am way too lazy to pose any threat to the government whatsoever. Given the choice between becoming a scary revolutionary or watching an episode of Law and Order I've already seen three times, Law and Order wins every fucking time.

Give me a Law and Order network and I'll probably be too lazy to even post on LJ,
Kelly

Dear NBA,

Thank you for starting the season so I can have something to rant about that doesn't actually matter at all. If Steve Nash has a bad year, I'll still be fine. Hell, he'll still be fine! He's rich, beeyotch!

Yay for mindless amusement,
Kelly

Dear Michael,

Thank you for holding me while I cried after the election. You get major boyfriend points for that. Of course, you're not on LJ so who knows if you'll even see this...

Love,
Kelly

Dear Me,

I don't care how good an idea you think it is, you cannot spend the next four years drunk.

Soberly,
Kelly

Dear God,

I don't understand. I really don't. Is this what You want people to do in Your name? Preach intolerance and hate and acting like a schoolyard bully? Are You even listening to me?

Questioningly,
Kelly
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