Madam President, Queen of Snark (kellinator) wrote,
Madam President, Queen of Snark
kellinator

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Unsent Letters, it's-Monday-and-I'm-crabby edition

Dear K-Fed,

Through no fault of my own, because one of my favorite co-workers sent me the link to you attempting to jam and I had to watch it so I would be able to properly snark on you, I have your miserable excuse for a song "PopoZao" stuck in my damn head. I would say that you should pay for this with your life, but 1). contrary to popular belief, I am not actually that violent, and 2). if you were to shuffle off this mortal coil, I would lose one of my very favorite snark targets. Instead, you can make it up to me and the rest of the world by doing something extremely white-trashy and embarrassing very very soon. We need material.

And you look like Eminem's dumber younger brother,
Kelly

Dear Weather,

Please stop taunting me and send me some snow. I'd like to say I'm asking purely because I love the quiet beauty of wintry weather, but what I really want is an excuse to stay in bed all day eating bonbons and playing with the cats.

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease,
Kelly

Dear Katie,

I spoil you rotten. I buy you all sorts of wonderful cat toys. I even research the best cat toys and buy you those because I am an insanely indulgent kitty-mommy. So can you please explain to me why it is that your current favorite toy is a metal bell that you found and why you feel the need to ring it repeatedly when Mommy is trying to sleep so she can go to work to make the money to buy you the cat food? And do you have sonar for finding it when I hide it or something?

Also, please stop stealing my toilet paper and shredding it all over the place. That stuff doesn't grow on trees, you know. Okay, maybe it is trees. But the point is, it's not your toy. Everything else I own is apparently your toy. Please just let me wipe my ass in peace.

At least you haven't barfed on the rug yet,
Mommy

Dear Heidi,

I know you're still pissed at me for bringing the kitten home, but look at it this way: Now that she's around, everything you do looks genius in comparison.

Also, that thing you do when I'm not feeling well where you come and put your head on me? Totally adorable.

You're a good little neurotic kitty,
Mommy

Dear Disney,

Bambi 2? I think I speak for everyone over the age of 10 when I say what the fuck are you smoking?!

At least Pixar managed to kill Toy Story III. You could learn more than just computer animation from them, you know.

Please stop bastardizing my childhood,
Kelly

Dear Hollywood,

Did we really need a remake of The Shaggy Dog? Do we really need any of the shitty remakes you're putting out, in fact? And why in the hell do we need Final Destination 3? If it's FINAL, then by definition it does not happen again, let alone a third time!

So what I really want to know is, when are you guys going to hire me? Because if it's crap you want, I'm full of it.

Sure I'll sell out if the price is right,
Kelly
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