Madam President, Queen of Snark (kellinator) wrote,
Madam President, Queen of Snark
kellinator

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Unsent Letters, extremely-belated Dragon*Con edition

Dear Guy at the Venture Brothers Panel Who Would Not Shut Up with His Mediocre Observations that He Thought Were Brilliant,

You know that part in the Venture Brothers panel where you started ranting about "that character was an orphan, because in one of the later episodes of Captain Planet he told the story about how his parents died"? I can't decide whether it's worse that you knew that, or that you spouted it in a Venture Brothers panel. Anyway, just for that, you deserve to never ever get laid again. Actually, I'm not so sure about the "again," as it would imply you'd gotten laid before.

STFU, n00b,
Kelly

Dear Amateur "Musician",

See the crowd of people listening to the professional musicians? They paid a lot of money to come here and hear these musicians. Which is why they are called professional musicians. They did not pay a lot of money to come here and hear you. But if you don't stop banging on your damn drum while I'm trying to listen to the Brobdingnagian Bards, I'm going to give some kid five bucks to steal your drum. If the Bards wanted you to perform with them, they would invite you up on stage. They haven't, so try and remember the manners your mama gave you and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

STFU, n00b,
Kelly

Dear Chick on the Escalator Wearing the "These Are Not the Breasts You're Looking For, Move Along" T-shirt,

I'm sorry, but in case you haven't noticed, you're flat as a board. You don't get to wear that shirt. Pass it over here and let me show you how it's done.

STFU, n00b,
Kelly

Dear Hilton Family,

What the hell is up with those notes in the bathroom asking me if I really need a clean towel every day? At these prices, you bet I do. Stop trying to make me feel guilty, I'm not the one responsible for Paris.

STFU, rich n00bs,
Kelly

Dear Hyatt,

I know you love us more than the other hotels because you get us a crossing guard.

Love,
Kelly

Dear James,

I'm sorry I didn't actually manage to wear the fairy costume. But look on the bright side -- Halloween's next month!

Love,
Kelly

Dear Dragon*Con,

You make me poor, sick, and inebriated. How I love you.

Love,
Kelly
Tags: dragoncon, unsent letters
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