September 12th, 2001


I don't know what to write.

I'm tired and emotionally drained. And very, very sad. And most of the people I've run into today don't seem to understand why I'm so sad. After all, it's not like I had family or friends in New York. What's wrong with me?

Well, I can't explain it, and I don't really want to explain it. But my reaction is just as valid as everyone else's. And the fact that I'm acting this way doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with me.

I just don't want to think about what comes next.
  • Current Music
    "The Future" -- Leonard Cohen

The day after

I still don't know how to feel. I'm dazed.

Talking and writing have helped. One of my professors extended an offer for us to drop by and talk, and I took her up on it, and she is a great comfort and a beautiful human being. A very special friend (and you know who you are) calmed me down last night. And another very special friend (and I hope you know who you are) reminded me of what's really important.

If you don't see or hear as much of me in the next few days, don't be surprised. I'll be asking myself, "What next?"
  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed

Leonard Cohen says it better than I could.

The Future

Give me back my broken night
my mirrored room, my secret life
it's lonely here,
there's no one left to torture
Give me absolute control
over every living soul
And lie beside me, baby,
that's an order!
Give me crack and anal sex
Take the only tree that's left
and stuff it up the hole
in your culture
Give me back the Berlin wall
give me Stalin and St Paul
I've seen the future, brother:
it is murder.

Things are going to slide, slide in all directions
Won't be nothing
Nothing you can measure anymore
The blizzard, the blizzard of the world
has crossed the threshold
and it has overturned
the order of the soul
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant

You don't know me from the wind
you never will, you never did
I'm the little jew
who wrote the Bible
I've seen the nations rise and fall
I've heard their stories, heard them all
but love's the only engine of survival
Your servant here, he has been told
to say it clear, to say it cold:
It's over, it ain't going
any further
And now the wheels of heaven stop
you feel the devil's riding crop
Get ready for the future:
it is murder

Things are going to slide ...

There'll be the breaking of the ancient
western code
Your private life will suddenly explode
There'll be phantoms
There'll be fires on the road
and the white man dancing
You'll see a woman
hanging upside down
her features covered by her fallen gown
and all the lousy little poets
coming round
tryin' to sound like Charlie Manson
and the white man dancin'

Give me back the Berlin wall
Give me Stalin and St Paul
Give me Christ
or give me Hiroshima
Destroy another fetus now
We don't like children anyhow
I've seen the future, baby:
it is murder

Things are going to slide ...

When they said REPENT REPENT ...

And yet...

in the midst of the horror, people are still not giving up.

I called the Red Cross last night to see about giving blood. The phone recording said that because of the high volume of calls, I should just leave my name and number. But I couldn't... because the message mailbox was already full. I then called the United Way and talked to a woman who told me the outpouring of volunteers was unbelievable.

Everywhere you look, people are donating blood and money. The rescue workers in New York have to be forced to eat and rest. People do care. And that is what will keep us going on.
  • Current Mood
    optimistic optimistic