November 29th, 2001

Daria

How to look like a flake

Make a call from the computer lab at your workplace, the Emory University English Department, where you do "very important work," to Crystal Blue and ask them what sign the moon is in.

When they have trouble finding it and get really confused, get really nervous that one of your colleagues is going to walk in just in time to hear you say something like "Don't pull that shit on me, I know damn well that Mercury's not retrograde today."
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Daria

How not to impress women

Right after a bad breakup several months back, I impulsively took out a personal ad on a website (now called Lavalife). It did raise my mood, and overall it's been a good experience -- after all, that's where I met A., and that was a good relationship and still is a great friendship. I've had some ego boosts and some disses. But those are subjects for another time; tonight I want to talk about the weird shit I've seen.

Some people are really cool; you can just tell. A lot of people make excuses for why they're using the net: "I work the graveyard shift" or "I'm very shy" or what have you. And some people are on for a very obvious reason: they have no social skills and mistakenly think that that won't matter on the Internet.

Tonight I saw the worst ad ever (and I've seen some doozies):

FUNERAL DIRECTOR
"Iam twenty about to graduate college"

Well Iam twenty, from VA orginally. Iam In Atlanta. I graduate college in Feb. I will be a Funeral Director. I'am looking for that special person in my life!

Ooooookay. Dude, you're reminding me of the urban legend about the mortician who informed his bride on their wedding night that he could only perform if she took a cold bath first and lay very very still.

Then there are the mindreaders:

"I'm just right for you!"

Uhh, how do you know?

And the ones who misspell stuff on purpose to look cute. These are probably more appealing to non-English majors.

BLUE EYES 4U2

Sorry dude, I hear Bono's taken.

As you can imagine, these get really bad in the "Intimate Encounters" section (which I don't use, in case you even thought that).

WANTINGOODSEX

Wantin' to go away.

KITTYLIKKER

Not this kitty, you don't.

And then there was one which was something like "ILUVBOOBIES." Can't remember the exact spelling because I tried to block it from my memory.

And then there are the lines that come after your handle. Mine is "Beatrice seeks Benedick," and there are the guys who think they'll be really funny since huh huh, she said dick. There was the guy old enough to be my dad who told me he thought I was making a Freudian slip and shouldn't it be Benedict? Needless to say, I didn't write back. At times I've thought about saying "If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't waste my time," but hey, there could well be a great guy who doesn't know Shakespeare. I know several myself.

Other lines include:

"If you were a booger, I'd pick you first."

I can see you're only 18, but still, there's no excuse for that.

"Men are pigs"

And I guess that makes you...?

"I have a really BIG..."

Don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself.

"Nice guy tired of finishing last"

Couldn't be because of your positive attitude, could it?

[Sometime soon I need to write about guys who think they're nice when they're really boring and/or passive-aggressive. But not now.]

"Don't even think about passing me up."

Think again, sucker.

Oh, this one's a gem:

QBCOACH
"LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T MIND A FOOTBALL COACH"

I AM REALLY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. I AM A HIGHSCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH RIGHT NOW UNTIL I GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE IN A YEAR. I THEN PLAN ON GOING INTO COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHING. I PLAYED FOOTBALL IN COLLEGE FOR 2 YEARS UNTIL I HAD AN INJURY, WHICH I THEN DECIDED TO RETIRE AND JUST COACH. I AM ABOUT 6 FOOT TALL, 175 POUNDS WITH BLONDISH BROWN HAIR, AND A PRETTY FIT BODY. I WORKOUT ON A REGULAR BASIS. WELL THAT'S ENOUGH ABOUT ME, NOW I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU IF YOU THINK YOU ARE INTERRESTED. THERE IS REALLY ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT AND THAT IS TO GIVE ME A MESSAGE.

Two things:
1). Stop screaming
2). Get over yourself. Unless you like sleeping with that football.
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