January 28th, 2003


How I'm doing

Basically, not too well. My grandmother continues to waver, somehow continuing to breathe despite critically low blood pressure, failing kidneys, and now, possibly, a heart attack. Even when the mind is totally gone, the body refuses to give up. Perhaps because the mind is totally gone.

I feel like I'm on hold. I refuse to make dinner plans or start a stew in my Crock-Pot because I figure the second I do, I'll be called out of town, and the only groceries I'm buying are chocolate and cheese. I've almost completely given up on my diet for the time being, though somehow I've managed to avoid potatoes (must be that article I read in Newsweek).

Right now the thing that scares me the most if what if she pulls through? Her quality of life was bad enough; now it'll be almost nil. I don't want her to keep suffering. I don't want my mom to have to keep going through this. And selfishly, I don't want to have to prepare myself for this again.

It tears me up inside to think of what she's going through. She's conscious, though of course none of us know how much she's aware of. She can't use her arms and she's struggling to breathe. I made the mistake of doing a little research (20 points from Ravenclaw) and now I know why she has pneumonia (because she can't remember to swallow her own saliva) and a UTI (because she's incontinent).

I feel guilty for wallowing when I know there are so many people who have it so much worse. I deal with it by talking about it, asking too many questions (that's how I deal with shit, talking about it until everyone wants me to shut the fuck up), which is hard on my mom because she doesn't really want to talk about it ad nauseum (I mean, she has to give the whole family the rundown every day).

I want it to be over.

I didn't think I'd take it this hard when it finally happened.
  • Current Mood
    sad sad

Lil' Miss Nutty-as-a-Fruitcake, that's me.

I have a totally overactive imagination -- at least when it comes to all the bad things that could possibly happen. I'm like a walking Murphy's Law. I may have trouble imagining what it would be like if something went right, really right, but I can sure tell you -- in vivid detail -- what would happen if/when something goes wrong. Just today I had vivid daymares about professors screaming at me, nosy relatives putting me down, and a particularly unpleasant one that made me so unhappy I'm not even going to go into detail.

The thing is these nasty little figments of my runaway imagination can get me so totally worked up that I'm afraid one of these days I'll be screaming at someone How dare you call me a smelly bag of pig testicles when I'll remember uh, they didn't say that at all.
  • Current Mood
    crazy crazy