February 5th, 2004

SVU by frey_at_last

Law and Order geekage

Wow, was last night's Law and Order an ordeal or what? Yeah yeah, Very Important Issues and all that, even Very Important Issues that are near and dear to my bleeding-liberal heart (gay marriage and adoption), but guess what? I'm shallow!! I watch Law and Order for slimy rich people getting in trouble! I don't watch Law and Order for nauseatingly cute kids who say things like "When's my mommy coming back?" and don't resemble real kids in the least. And I sure as hell don't watch it for sobbing "don't take my little girl away from meeeee!" monologues. And I SURE AS FUCKING HELL don't watch it for Fred Thompson's politics. Please, not everyone from the South is a corn-pone conservative. In short, if I wanna get depressed, I'll go watch the news. More wisecracks, please.

But anyway, the highlight of the episode was McCoy's concluding line, "I say let them marry and be as miserable as the rest of us," which sounded exactly like something Adam Schiff would have said while drinking Scotch at the end of the episode and led to the following conversation:

scarcrest: So McCoy has turned into Adam Schiff.
kellinator: Yeah, because Branch is an asshole!

Obligatory disclaimer: Fred Thompson is from the next county over from me. I always considered him not much of an elected official.
  • Current Mood
    bring back Schiff you fuckers
Frank and Tim by logand

With all those sports, you'd think ESPN would have some balls!

Last night I was gabbing with scarcrest and getting my SportsCenter fix when it was announced, much to my dismay, that ESPN has cancelled their first original series, Playmakers.

Playmakers got decent ratings and some amount of critical praise. There can be one reason and one reason only that it was cancelled: ESPN caved to pressure from the crybabies in the front office at the NFL, who I've noticed recently have become very vocal about claiming they're all about character as opposed to the NBA and weren't happy with the show's less than happy-sunshine-family depiction of the league. (This despite the fact that we've all known for years that NFL stands for National Felons League. But I digress.)

For those of you who didn't watch Playmakers, here's a brief catalogue of some of the characters (which, coincidentally, doubles as a list of the NFL's grievances):

  • The owner, a sanctimonious, greedy, hypocritical, underhanded, condescending all-around piece of shit. In short, Jerry Jones' evil twin.


  • The cancer-stricken coach who's constantly having to check over his shoulder for his obnoxious intended successor, picked by the owner of course.


  • The quarterback who's hooked on the pain meds that are destroying his kidneys and fucks anything that moves.


  • The young star who's late to the game because he's doing crack in the parking lot. He covers for his friends when they commit murder and steals painkillers from the kid he visits in the hospital. How messed up is this guy? Snoop Dogg guest-starred as his brother. His significantly more moral brother. scarcrest had a good wisecrack about how you know your character's sleazy when Snoop Dogg looks like a fine upstanding citizen in comparison.


  • The aging player that we're all supposed to love because he's such a good guy. During the course of the season our supposed hero beats up his wife, then insists he didn't do anything wrong, uses steroids, possibly cheats on his wife (I missed a few episodes), repeatedly treats his best friend like dirt, and bellyaches about his contract until everyone in the general vicinity, viewers included, wants to beat him with a stick. I sincerely hope the writers didn't really think he was supposed to be the team's salt of the earth.


  • The poor, sweet, dumb-as-a-box-of-dumb-rocks guy who decides the best way to avoid being harrassed for being gay is to marry a poor, sweet, dumb-as-a-box-of-dumb-rocks model.


  • The only character I actually really liked, the aforementioned best friend, a basically good guy who's fighting depression issues and serves as the moral compass (he calls his homophobic teammates idiots, on camera). He ends the first season utterly screwed when an ill-advised one-night-stand results in a pregnancy and the mother-to-be is obviously interested in getting as much of his millions as possible while doing her damndest to keep him from ever seeing his child. Don't forget to use birth control, kids.


Playmakers wasn't Homicide or The Wire. Hell, it wasn't even The Shield. But I watched, even though -- or maybe because -- it was basically a testosterone-fueled soap opera. A big, freaking soap opera. And that was okay. Because sometimes you just want a soap opera. It's kinda like how every once in a while, I need McDonald's Chicken McNuggets, I know they're disgusting but they're childhood comfort food and I have to have them anyway. (In fact, I want them right now. Dammit.) So anyway, as I've already established, I'm basically a shallow person and I like my junk.

But by carrying on about Playmakers, the NFL showed how whiny they are. If they'd just shrugged and ignored it, it wouldn't have been a big deal. I mean, the NFL has enough real hijinks. Why were they obsessing over a stupid TV show?

But my biggest "up yours" goes to ESPN. In their press release announcing the cancellation, they concluded with something along the lines of "we're happy that our viewers were willing to try something new and hope they'll look forward to our next original drama." Why the hell should we? You sold out, you have no credibility, and why should we tune in to see if you immediately cave to another league or if you just become the PR department. "This week on Playmakers... what happens when the team runs out of Gatorade?" Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

However, if you do a show about the Portland Jail Blazers, I will be there, because I am shallow. Hell, they could do it as another entry in the newly resurgent stoner humor genre. I mean, that team has so many pot arrests they must be growing it in the locker room. Wacky hijinks ensue as poor, classy Mo Cheeks counts the days until he can escape to a real job!
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky
smug

Fun fact

According to Newsweek, almost 2400 complaints against cell-phone providers were lodged with the FCC.

More than half were about AT&T Wireless.

Anyone who witnessed my epic three-month battle with AT&T Wireless last year will understand why I find this so hysterical.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
Casablanca

Well, that was a waste of time...

Today at lunch I couldn't find a single good magazine, so I wound up with the latest issue of Atlanta Magazine. Cover story: "Single in the City: How to Play the Dating Game."

After reading the article, I decided the only thing worse than the singles scene in Atlanta is listening to a bunch of club-hopping, Prada-wearing, designer-cocktail-sipping, SUV-driving, Botox-shooting, Buckhead yuppies bitch about the singles scene in Atlanta.

...Ironically, despite the sorry state of my love life and the unlikelihood of it improving anytime soon (the article was just lists of bars to go to, I've tried going to bars and I never meet anyone, just sit there looking awkward, and I've got more interesting things to do), I actually felt kinda lucky after reading the article. So I'm not rail-thin and gorgeous. It's actually a pretty effective way of weeding out most of the really-unpleasant-for-a-number-of-reasons losers who are busy chasing the gorgeous girls. I guess it all evens out.
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful