Kellinator Jones and the Temple of Snark

Y'know, thanks to Animaniacs, there's a whole generation out there of kids like me who, when they hear the name "Daniel Boone," start giggling and humming "Daniel Boone was a great big jerk, yes, a very big jerk..."

So I was chatting with vernard, author of the fascinating Rules to Understanding Guys...

vernard: If it makes you feel better, you have been registering as "guy" on my "guydar" for quite some time
kellinator: seriously?! Do tell.
vernard: Nothing to tell. I just treat you like I treat a guy and it works well.

Which just begs a question I've wondered about for a long time...



There are many things about me that really aren't feminine. I swear like a sailor, worship Garth Ennis, and will pick a Mob movie over a romantic comedy any day. At the same time, there are things about me that are almost exaggerated girly: glitter, glitter, and more glitter. Plus other, more embarrassing things. But let's just focus on the glitter.

Last night's episode of The Shield, in particular the last five minutes, was I think the most disturbing thing I've ever seen on television. Eeeeeeeeeeeek. Then again, I don't have HBO...

I remarked to scarcrest immediately afterward: "Whenever they show that clip of Reed Diamond getting his brains blown out, it's like a reminder. 'Remember Homicide? Wasn't that a great show? We're not Homicide! We're Homicide's evil twin!'"

And though I never got into watching it, am I the only one annoyed by the WB's Angel promos? "Don't miss... [mournful tone] the last episode of Angel ever!!" Yeah, the last episode, because you cancelled it, dicksmacks.

Tonight on Law and Order, the beloved (and longest-tenured of the current cast) Det. Lennie Briscoe departs the 2-7. Law and Order fans' mourning is somewhat tempered by the promise that Jerry Orbach will be playing Briscoe on the next Law and Order spinoff, Law and Order: Trial by Jury, a midseason replacement.

So Dick Wolf's plan to take over television as we know it is alive and well. But how about some Law and Order spinoffs we'd really like to see?

• Law and Order: Cranky Old Cops.  Briscoe and Munch partner up to bitch about their ex-wives and ex-partners. Cragen occasionally yells at them for not getting anything done and for eating all the doughnuts.
• Law and Order: Shrinks Gone Wild.  In between round-table diagnoses, Olivet, Skoda, and Huang gripe about the lack of respect they get from the detectives and being left to twist in the wind on the witness stand. For sweeps, they try to psychoanalyze Bobby Goren and end up going on a colossal bender after giving up.
• Law and Order: ME's Office.  In a blatant attempt to give CSI a run for its money, Rodgers and Warner sit around the Medical Examiner's office conducting autopsies and playing catch with internal organs. This one has a laugh track.
• Law and Order: The Ex-Assistants' Club.  McCoy's former "female assistants", including his ex-wife, start their own criminal defense practice, where they constantly needle Jack in court while making twice as much money as he does.
• Law and Order: Arthur's Angels.  The never-seen, only-heard Arthur Branch employs Serena and Casey in his detective agency. Unfortunately, Serena and Casey tend to burst into tears when they chip a nail, which greatly impairs their ability to be badasses. Sanity is maintained by Bosley stand-in Fin, who spends most of his time muttering about stupid white bitches and busting a cap in someone.

 

I still remember my first experience with honeysuckle. We were out at my grandparents', and I found some, and my father showed me how to suck the nectar out.

On one of the paths on campus that I walk almost every day, recently I noticed a very familiar smell. Sure enough, I looked and found some honeysuckle.

I couldn't help myself. I broke off the ends, pulled out the pistils and sucked the nectar.

If anyone saw me, it probably looked so hillbilly, but I didn't care. Honeysuckle is too hard to come by.