December 9th, 2004

therapy by proverb

Where the fuck is my Christmas spirit?

Which I suppose begs the question of whether a snarky bitch who says "fuck" too much is even allowed to have Christmas spirit.

I'm very fond of the holiday season. One of the reasons I love Thanksgiving so much is because it kicks off the entire Christmas season -- and what's really fun is the planning, the conspiring, the anticipation. It's why for years now, my mom and I have gotten up early the day after Thanksgiving and hit the malls. It's one of the only times that we can shop together during the holidays, which is how it got started, and now it's one of our mother-daughter traditions, and I look forward to it, even with the bitchy crowds and such.

But this year, it sucked. I don't know if we hadn't gotten enough rest or were sick or what, but it was just hardly any fun at all, and for some reason this seems to be hanging over my Christmas season a bit.

Maybe I can blame it on Santa. I've recently discovered just how expensive owning a car can be, and my mother quietly suggested that what she and Dad wanted to give me for Christmas was two new tires. I accepted quickly; I'm not an idiot, I know I need them and I appreciate the thought. But as eaterofgodz said, the inner five-year-old is going "where's my Game Boy?" I know this is totally materialistic and immature, but it just won't be that fun on Christmas morning going "yaaay... I got tires" while my brother plays with his new digital camera. Which is what I wanted but didn't want to ask for because my dad's been mostly out of work for two years and the new factor he supposedly has a job at hasn't opened yet and it just seemed too expensive. And I'm realizing as I type this that once again, I feel resentful because my brother makes more than I do, but he lives at home in a perfect setup... no rent, no rules, and Mom feeds him most of the time and his girlfriend whenever she's over, so he can afford to do things like buy a Mustang. He's getting Mom a computer for Christmas (though it's as much for him as it is for her) and casually tells me I can throw in if I want to (after I've already bought her gifts more within my price range). I know it's not supposed to be about money. But the first season of Will and Grace on DVD looks pretty pathetic next to a computer on Christmas morning.

I've tried not to ask my parents for much. It's pride, I guess. And wanting to be helpful. In high school I worked at the public library and made hardly any money but paid for most of my granduation crap myself, without asking my parents. My brother worked at Wal-Mart and made more money but when he graduated three years later, he demanded that my parents pay for everything because he didn't want to spend his money on invitations and crap.

I don't know why I'm going on about all this now, except that my finances aren't great and I really wish I had some of the cushioning Brad's had. Like the year I was in grad school and he was working and our parents could only claim one of us on taxes so they claimed me so he could file himself and get a huge refund even though economically I was the one who needed it worse, but he put up a bigger fuss.

See? I'm part of the problem. I'm letting materialism ruin my Christmas.

I haven't put up my tree yet. I meant to Tuesday night but I had such a rotten day that I ended up spending the night on the couch eating leftover Chinese food and watching Law and Order: Extra Crispy with Michael.

Shouldn't I be in a better mood?
  • Current Mood
    depressed out of sorts