Madam President, Queen of Snark (kellinator) wrote,
Madam President, Queen of Snark

The Kellinator's First-Ever Mondo Survivor Summary!!

The fun starts with Robb, who's already won the title of Dumbest Survivor Ever only a third of the way through the season and just seems inclined to pile it on. With his cronies all gone, Robb finally realizes that no one likes him. His reaction to this, of course, is to bitch at Ken. Mr. Under-the-Radar is annoyed enough by the Dumb One to say "fuck" and "shit" and some more of my favorite words. Face it, Skateboard Boy, you are not going to impress your manhood upon a NYC cop. He eats wannabe-punks like you for breakfast.

Meanwhile back at Chuay Guan, the drama quotient is significantly lower since Ghandia got voted off. Everyone's bitching about their new favorite topic, the missing boat. May I suggest they bitch about Jan's butt-ugly hairdo and lame rapping, just to mix it up a little? The boys go looking for the boat, while Helen tells the camera that Brian's a good swimmer, but "accidents happen." She sounds like she's hoping they all drown.

Back to Suck Jai. Robb announces "I'm hungry, bro," reminding me that there's nothing whiter than a white guy trying to sound black, and decides he's going to eat bananas. This does not go over well with anyone else. Ken, the de fact leader, attempts to impose some disclipine; Shii Ann speaks her mind and gets criticized by Penny, who seems to think all women should be as meek as she is.

Reward Challenge!! The "authentic Thai" props look like Jeffy Probst picked them up at Party City. They're playing a "Thai game" which looks like lacrosse to me. Robb finally finds a redeeming quality in being good at the game, so Suck Jai takes a lead. Penny jumps up and down like the vapid cheerleader she was in high school. Chuay Guan finally catches on that Robb's the only one any good at this and starts whaling on him. Yaaaay!! They take some cheap shots, but Jeff doesn't care because he hates Robb too. Robb bitches to his teammates like a little baby about getting beaten up; Ken tells him it's his job. Suck Jai wins, which really bugs me until I realize that I don't particularly like Chuay Guan either.

The reward is a Thai feast. Obligatory stuff-your-starving-faces scene. One of the Interchangeable Barbies says "We love you Robb," which leads me to a MST3K moment: "Liar!! Liar!!" Shii Ann remarks that they don't usually hang out like this. That's because you all hate each other, remember?

Back at Chuay Guan, Ted predicts the merge is coming up. Gee, you think? Jan finds a dead baby bat and demands the tribe name it and hold a funeral. She cries. Brian wonders if Jan's losing it. Dude, I knew she'd lost it when she started rapping.

Robb announces that the game has really opened his mind. This confuses me, because you can't open what doesn't exist. Robb also explains that Ken "made me make sense to myself." Wow, Ken must be a miracle worker. Cut to Ken basically telling Robb he's a dumbass.

Immunity Challenge looks a lot like those games they have on the table at Cracker Barrel., only with flags. Since it's a mental challenge, Robb sits out. This makes for thrilling television... yawn. Chuay Guan pulls their collective ass out of the fire by winning.

Robb is going home. Even he knows it. It's so obvious that Mark Burnett doesn't even try to convince us otherwise. Suck Jai gets drunk, presumably to dull the pain of Robb's pontificating, but something odd happens... Robb apparently has a spiritual awakening or something and becomes less of a jackass. The tribe cries as they vote him off, and Robb is amazingly gracious in defeat.

I'm truly surprised by how sorry I am to see Robb go. Obviously I'll miss mocking his idiocies, but I have to agree with Shii Ann: "I was just starting to like you."

Okay, kill the violins. Next week: Back to backstabbing!!

  • (no subject)

    You know you're getting old when "too drunk to fuck" becomes "too drunk to floss."

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