My answers, for my own amusement.
Bud Selig vs. Woody Allen: I'll take Woody. Skanky, but occasionally very, very funny.
Michael Jackson vs. Howard Stern: Howard. No question. And hey, maybe he can set me up with Richard Belzer!
Steve Buscemi vs. Yassir Arafat: No question. Steve is one of the few people on the poll I have a crush on anyway. Yes, he looks like his parents didn't feed him. Yes, he could play the Taco Bell Chihuahua in the movie. But he is also smart, talented, and noble (a former NYC firefighter who spent September 11 pitching in at Ground Zero and has refused to exploit it in interviews). That makes him pretty damn sexy in my book.
Keith Richards vs. Patrick Ewing: Keith. Hey, I like the Stones. More on that later.
Richard Simmons vs. Dennis Franz: Dennis. There's no way I'm touching Richard Simmons with a ten-foot poll.
Lyle Lovett vs. Dick Cheney: Lyle is cute as a bug. In fact, he falls in the "so ugly he's cute" category which I'm so fond of, along with Bob Dylan, the aforementioned Steve Buscemi, and my most favorite bizarre celebrity crush Richard Belzer. I'm starting to understand why guys never seem flattered when I tell them they're cute.
Randy Johnson vs. Ozzy Osbourne: Ozzy. He reminds me of an old boyfriend I'll always have a soft spot for.
Marilyn Manson vs. Wayne Knight: I'll go with MM, just because I think I could probably slap him into normalcy for a few minutes.
Clint Howard vs. Larry King: Clint is the less annoying choice. Also, not quite old enough to be my grandfather.
Saddam Hussein vs. Gary Coleman: This was the hardest one. I went with Gary because he's less violent.
Rodney Dangerfield vs. Paul Reubens: Paul. Oh wait, didn't he get caught with kiddie porn? Fuck.
Jimmy Swaggart vs. Don Knotts: Don, because I actively detest Jimmy Swaggart.
Mike Tyson vs. Bill Clinton: Bill. He has charisma; Tyson has none.
Mick Jagger vs. Meat Loaf: Mick is proof that sexy is all in the attitude. He's ugly as sin, but when I saw the Stones at Vanderbilt in '97, after a few minutes of him prancing around onstage, I was forced to admit that he was hot.
Kim Jong-Il vs. Carrot Top: Carrot Top may be annoying, but at least no major magazine has described him as "Dr. Evil."
George W. Bush vs. Charles Manson: Shockingly, they found someone I'd pick the Shrub over. Thank God this is only a mental exercise.