Madam President, Queen of Snark (kellinator) wrote,
Madam President, Queen of Snark

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I've said it before, I'll say it again: BRING BACK ADAM SCHIFF YOU FUCKERS!!!

Okay, who suffered through saw last night's Law and Order?

Geez-Lou-fucking-ise. What the fuck was that?! Anyway, everyone knows that the Law and Order lesbians are Olivia and Alex!

The last-minute "shocking Law and Order twist" was...

A lame last-ditch attempt to make the show seem relevant again.
Dick Wolf throwing a sop to the femslashers.
Teh Suck.

Here's what I think: If Serena's a lesbian, she's the lipstickiest damn lipstick lesbian that ever lipsticked. I wondered if perhaps I was the prejudiced one and I was being unfair to lipstick lesbians, but then I racked my brain and no, I can't think of any lesbians that resemble Barbie dolls so closely. Not to mention, as I saw pointed out elsewhere online, the idea that we'd be so shocked -- SHOCKED!! -- by this revelation is pretty damn condescending and exploitative. Smacks more of "let's freak out the viewers" than careful characterization (which Law and Order was capable of, once upon a time). Seems like Dick Wolf wanted to show off how open-minded he is by having a gay character, but didn't want to actually risk anything that might piss off the Religious Right, so he makes it the already-leaving just-got-fired-anyway character so he wouldn't have any consequences to deal with.

And how about Fred Thompson? Man, now I'm really mad about the Christmas present Santa didn't come through with: giving Fred Thompson the sudden uncontrollable urge to retire. He basically admitted he was firing her because she wouldn't get in the kitchen and make him some pie. He was pissed that she was right and he was wrong. Could you believe his speech? We need cold-blooded people in the DA's office? Why didn't he just say, "You're a woman, so you're fired"?

(Note: Almost immediately afterwards, I turned to Michael and said, "Yeah, like he'd actually say, 'yes, I'm firing you for being a lesbian.'")

Seriously, folks. It's been bad for a while. I've been seeing sharks ever since Adam Schiff split. The new bimbo ADA will just make things worse, I'm sure -- if Casey Fuckin' Novak is any indication, they'll be bringing in someone who'll make Elizabeth Rohm look like Jill Hennessey.

There's only one answer.

Fixing Law and Order, Kellinator-Style:

Serena sues the DA's department for wrongful termination. She wins and Arthur is forced out in disgrace. Jack gets kicked upstairs to the DA's office, where he spends most of his time gargling with scotch and playing golf with Adam Schiff. He persuades Jamie Ross and Abby Carmichael to come back to the DA's office, where they make a lethal one-two punch when they're not at each other's throats. After a compelling storyline involving Fontana and police corruption (seriously, a cop with a Mercedes?), Munch transfers from SVU to partner with Ed. In a rare touching scene, the new partners reminisce with Van Buren about how much they all miss Lennie.

Watch out, Dick Wolf. I'm gunning for your job.
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