Reasons I Would Make a Really Bad President:
- I would probably break the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom by jumping up and down on it.
- Cabinet meetings would be completely unproductive because I would keep interrupting the Secretary of State going "Have you guys seen that web cartoon about the end of the world? What about the Kenya one? No really, y'all have got to see this. Hey Colin, gimme your laptop..."
- In the middle of the State of the Union address, I'd invite the entire country to join me in taking a break to check our LiveJournals.
- Then I would attempt to explain major policy points by using Sifl and Olly-style sock puppets.
- Then I would say "fuck" (as in, "Saudi Arabia needs to stop fucking around with us") and get fined by the FCC.
- Insistence on being called "Madame President, Queen of Snark, There Is None Higher, Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow" not likely to win me any friends.
- Injudicious use of snark is liable to lead to nuclear war.
- If I got pissed off at heads of state from countries known for their treatment of women as second-class citizens, I'd probably make a disparaging remark about their penis size. See previous bullet point about nuclear war.
- Sending Secret Service agents to scare the poop out of people who picked on me in high school is not a legitimate use of taxpayer dollars.
- Margarita Friday crowd is likely to trash the White House.
- Hell, I'm liable to trash the White House. Say it with me: "Madame President doesn't do housework."
- Drawing moustaches on the portraits of former presidents I didn't like is not very Presidential.
- Executive order ordering Dick Wolf to make Law and Order stop sucking. (Wait. That's a reason I'd make a good President.)
- The War Room would get renamed "The Warlord Room" and would promptly be filled up with gaming terrain and my half-painted miniatures.
- Push for the "Justifiable Homicide: Needed Killin'" defense will piss off the entire judicial branch.
But on the bright side, we wouldn't waste any time on scandals from my past, because my standard answer would be "Yeah, that's me in the photo chugging a margarita and making an obscene gesture, what's your point?"